emo alert

i was finally able to get a hold of my dad today. i tried reaching him all day on Tuesday, but the phone just kept ringing and ringing. This morning, I talked to him and told him about Neill and me.

the joy in his voice. in his words. it means the world to me.

sometimes, I think i've lost him. it can be hard to recognize the man i know as my father in him. sometimes, i think that the MS has completely taken him from me. but today, he was my dad. all excitement and happiness. encouraging and loving. hopeful and supportive.

he told me he was excited to walk me down the aisle. im not even sure he would be able to make that walk, but the fact that he wants to means more to me than anything else.

the only bittersweet thing about all this happiness is my parents. i wish they were together for this. i wish my dad wasn't sick. i wish i still had the family i remember from when i was younger.

wishes

im trying to be grateful for the conversation i had with my dad today and forget seeing him in the hospital last week. im trying to savor the parents i have now without lamenting the family i lost. im trying to be excited for my future family and not sad for who might not be around to meet them.

i'm trying.