Do you ever have one of those days when you go through everything in your closet trying to find something to wear? When nothing seems to look right? When you are critical of every single one of your flaws (real or imagined) and each outfit you try on seems to highlight something you'd rather hide?
Well, I do. And they seem to be happening a lot more frequently lately. And it sucks. I know this probably seems like a silly thing to complain about, but its so frustrating and depressing to not be able to find an outfit that I feel confident in. It makes me feel bad about myself and the way I look. And I end up feeling self-conscious for the rest of the night because I assume that everyone else is evaluating me as harshly as I evaluate myself.
So, when I emerge from the bedroom, wearing whatever outfit that I have finally decided on, all I want to hear from the hubs is a compliment. Some reassurance that I look good. That I have nothing to feel insecure about. That even though I don't see it, I am beautiful.
But, oftentimes it feels like I'm met with radio silence. And with no immediate external validation of my appearance, my insecurities rage their ugly head and I end up feeling even worse about myself. I swear I haven't always been like this, but apparently I'm at a point right now where I'm so insecure that I need to constantly be reminded that he finds me attractive. (Gosh, that sounds obnoxious)
The funny thing is, whenever I've talk about this with Neill he points out that often times I completely disregard any sort of compliment he does give me. While my usual rebuttal to this is to argue that he never tells me I'm pretty, in all honesty I think he is right. I'm so set on believing the worst, that when he pays me a compliment I am quick to disregard it ("He doesn't really mean it" or "He is just being nice"). Because I feel badly about myself, I ignore or downplay the positive things he says.
Which just goes to show, when I get angry at him for not giving me a compliment it is much more about my own problems than anything he is doing wrong. The truth of the matter is, if I felt good about the way I looked I wouldn't need so much reassurance from him. Compliments are always nice to hear, but my confidence shouldn't be entirely based on external sources. I want to know I look damn good.
I've always been really confident and its difficult for me to accept that I don't feel very good about myself right now. But, on the other hand, realizing that there is a problem is motivating me to change.
Has there ever been a time when you didn't feel good about yourself? What are you most insecure about? What are your strategies to deal with it?