Friday, May 13, 2011


Do you ever have one of those days when you go through everything in your closet trying to find something to wear? When nothing seems to look right? When you are critical of every single one of your flaws (real or imagined) and each outfit you try on seems to highlight something you'd rather hide?

Well, I do. And they seem to be happening a lot more frequently lately. And it sucks. I know this probably seems like a silly thing to complain about, but its so frustrating and depressing to not be able to find an outfit that I feel confident in. It makes me feel bad about myself and the way I look. And I end up feeling self-conscious for the rest of the night because I assume that everyone else is evaluating me as harshly as I evaluate myself.

So, when I emerge from the bedroom, wearing whatever outfit that I have finally decided on, all I want to hear from the hubs is a compliment. Some reassurance that I look good. That I have nothing to feel insecure about. That even though I don't see it, I am beautiful. 

But, oftentimes it feels like I'm met with radio silence. And with no immediate external validation of my appearance, my insecurities rage their ugly head and I end up feeling even worse about myself. I swear I haven't always been like this, but apparently I'm at a point right now where I'm so insecure that I need to constantly be reminded that he finds me attractive. (Gosh, that sounds obnoxious) 

The funny thing is, whenever I've talk about this with Neill he points out that often times I completely disregard any sort of compliment he does give me. While my usual rebuttal to this is to argue that he never tells me I'm pretty, in all honesty I think he is right. I'm so set on believing the worst, that when he pays me a compliment I am quick to disregard it ("He doesn't really mean it" or "He is just being nice"). Because I feel badly about myself, I ignore or downplay the positive things he says.

Which just goes to show, when I get angry at him for not giving me a compliment it is much more about my own problems than anything he is doing wrong. The truth of the matter is, if I felt good about the way I looked I wouldn't need so much reassurance from him. Compliments are always nice to hear, but my confidence shouldn't be entirely based on external sources. I want to know I look damn good.

I've always been really confident and its difficult for me to accept that I don't feel very good about myself right now. But, on the other hand, realizing that there is a problem is motivating me to change.

Has there ever been a time when you didn't feel good about yourself? What are you most insecure about? What are your strategies to deal with it?


  1. Girl. Yes. I have gained nearly 30 pounds from all of this surgery and crap and nothing fits and I feel horrible and I'm so down on myself it's not even funny. And Josh always, ALWAYS, says I look great whenever I am finally dressed....and I finally, tearfully, asked him to stop. Because it's not true, and I don't want to hear it, and I feel like he's saying it out of obligation (totally not true, but my psycho feelings right now are out of control). It definitely is all me....I'm being ridiculous and can't really help it right now. I should just accept a compliment when given one. I just can't work on any of this right now, so I can't get over it. :(

  2. I have these days and they, well, they suck. For me its often about weight/body issues. I'll never be a skinny minnie, but I've never been huge just fluctuates so much. I've learned how to work out better and try to eat better, or at least smaller portions. I still have bad days, but sometimes they are just bound to happen. Sigh. Oh life. I also know exactly what you're talking about with the hubby...oh men haha.

  3. Oh gosh, I definitely have those days, and on those days, I throw on a black, a-line dress that I have that is starting to get so faded because I have those days too often. But it's the one dress that I feel ok in no matter what. It stinks, why are we so hard on ourselves?

  4. Absolutely! I think everyone has these times in their lives. With regards to the complimenting issue, ask your husband to be more creative with his compliments. My fiancé would often say "you look beautiful" or something of that nature. But he's found more success with being more specific. Now he says things like "I love that dress" or " those jeans make your butt look great". I find more specificity to be more authentic and met with less skepticism on my part.

  5. Happens weekly for me! Luckily, I'm having an "on" week, so I'm not as picky. But usually, my closet floor is covered in clothes because I feel like nothing is quite right.

  6. I know what you mean about trying to find the balance between asking for compliments, and being confident to not "need" them.

    Lately I was just thinking about the times when compliments are sparse, and when I assume that if I don't hear anything from the mister, he's thinking "negative things." Then I realized that it's probably possible to switch this-- so that I assume he's thinking "positive" things! But I imagine that's going to take at least a few years to become that confident : )

    In the meantime, I like Chigago CG's tip! I'll have to pass that along to a certain someone ; )

  7. I find it toughest to accept compliments from people close to me. Whether it's my friends or my husband, I'm very self-conscious so it's hard for me to believe.

    Trust that you are beautiful and he really does mean it. :)

  8. This post is totally spot on! I can totally identify with you. I have many of these kinda days where I go through being absolutely critical of myself. Sometimes, one too many times. I guess I've always been really critical of myself, and yes, external validation means the world to me. I look through my wardrobe, trying different outfits on and changing. Till I reach a point where I'd rather not step out of the house just because I feel so ugly. :\

    The boyfriend gets annoyed with me for being so insecure with my looks. And in the beginning of our relationship (every now & then too), the insecurity really got to me when I kept comparing myself to his ex-girlfriend. Oh boy, that was terrible. I felt so ugly and constantly needing to be reassured. I guess after a while, he realized my flaw and my weakness and he decided to give me some validation every now and then. My best girlfriend also plays a huge role where I confide in her whenever I face such a feeling and she helps me to see the light. Sometimes harsh, but totally needed. :)

    After all, a girl will always be a girl. She will need to feel assured, accepted, loved, and beautiful. So I'm guessing that my strategy is to share it with another close girlfriend and in hopes to be kicked into the right direction/mindset. :) We all have such days, but we shouldn't let such things let us down.

    I hope you feel better now, dearie. :) You're beautiful, both inside and outside. And it's been such a blessing getting acquainted with you through your blog. Keep up the good posts. x

  9. I could have written this myself! I NEVER EVER accept compliments from ANYONE! I just dont feel it so I don't believe it. I just bought a got a few new outfits and I felt fab! Maybe that will help you too =D

  10. I think any woman who says that she doesn't go through some periods of feeling insecure and "ugly" is not being honest with herself. Any human being, for that matter. It's a fact of life - no one can possibly feel good about themselves all the time. So, no, you are not alone in that, sister!

    I used to be like you - I blew off compliments and chalked it up to someone just trying to kiss my ass. But my ex-boyfriend once told me that every time I blow off a compliment from him, it made him feel like his opinion didn't matter to me. I hated that. Obviously his opinion mattered and deep down, even though I didn't want to believe it, it still felt nice to hear it. So I made a concerted effort to thank him whenever he complimented me. And you know what? It actually worked and made me feel better about myself. Not to mention, he started doing it more often, which also really helped. Now, when my husband compliments me, I say thanks, and I compliment him back. We're so gross. (c;

    So try to thank him next time, even if you want to deny it. Eventually, you'll start to believe it. Go on with your beautiful self, girl!

  11. This is a great post. It's strange because when I was younger, I thought that insecurities would just go AWAY one day. As if I would wake up and they would just be gone. And some of them do go away, but it seems that in their place a whole slew of new ones arrive.

    Knowing you are wonderful and feeling wonderful is a true battle between the heart & the head. One that only we ourselves can win.

    I'm insecure about my butt. It's the bane of my existence ;)


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